Beyond disappointment

So it has been almost a year since I moved from Manchester and I am beginning to know who to give a damn about now.

I think it has been reinforced by seeing some pictures of Elise's wedding.

The problem that I have had is that people I considered close friends, turn up for the reception of that wedding yet did not come to my own reception/spiritual union that Sam and myself held at her mothers when we returned from Venice. Was it just because such an event doesn't count as it is not the real thing? I know that getting to Venice would have been a big problem for many and so that was why that gathering after we got back was so important. I'm now more upset than ever on this issue. More angry.

But then myself and Sam had a realization about it all. About when things went wrong with these friends.

Back when I met Sam first I did not introduce her to anyone to begin with but then very soon she met my current house mates, and Stacey, Alan, Dan and Cassi. This was april 2007. Following this we then proceeded to go to Infest together, Whitby, and so Sam met all the other people I consider friends in Manchester. She also met the guys I roleplayed with and who I considered some of my closest friends. Jan 2008 marked my 25th birthday, one of the best ever for myself and things were really good with everyone as we dined at Negresco. So come Feb 2008 Sam and I were engaged have got back from Venice. But when we had a party to formally annouce it it got a cold reception from the roleplay circle.Together with Sam and Luke and Zoe we then started going flat hunting. Then in April 2008 everything went bad for myself and Sam, things were not good and it could have all ended very easily. Some of you I am sure are fully aware of why. But Sam and I carried on, worked through it and got a flat together, while the others continued looking. The flat in Manchester we had was epic. Good size, lots of room, and in a good location.

But then things proceeded to go down hill between myself and the roleplay group (Luke and Zoe being a part of that circle of friends). As Sam was still very upset about what had happened, and so was suffering from depression, and I of course was working towards finishing my PhD and of course trying to keep it together with Sam, my willingness to spend time away from Sam declined. I did not have time for roleplay etc. This seemed to have a backlash effect where Sam felt shunned or even blamed for my own emotional state. Yes I was not happy but I had brought events upon myself. And while I had tried to explain what had happened so that my close friends would understand, there seemed to be no sympathy for the situation, no consideration that I had to look after Sam and forgoe gaming and spending time out.

Then roll on another few months and Jan 2009. We were almost moved, the thesis finished and Sam and myself were basically back to normal. We had got through the worst thing ever. But it seemed my closest friends did not recognise this. They still thought we we're rushing into marriage, still thought that she had somehow stolen me from socializing with them, and now did not see how much happier we we're and could not see how myself and Sam wanted to return to the atmosphere we had a year earlier at my birthday. It was as if all the happiness I had with Sam before the madness had been forgotten and now our relationship was seen as a bad thing. But all the while friends not within that circle could see how things had improved and that everything was better.

I've racked my brains time and time again trying to figure out why one group of friends reacted in such a different way to another? And when it all really went bad? Had I done something wrong that was separate from all this? Was it just because we were not just disintergrating and infact pulling together and some people were jealous of that? I don't know. But lets just say a few photos, and numerous failed attempts at being friendly on my part and Sam's, has left me very upset.

Bringing this up with one person I got this reply:




I know what you mean about going to Manchester it's a long way to travel and quite expensive - I've only been going back everynow and again but James wants to try and keep in touch with everyone so he's making a better effort than me - maybe you could just go up every now and again.


My reply

Well we do go up to Manchester every now and then, but there are others up there other than just Luke etc to visit, so we have found it quite disappointing that in order to socialize with them we have to go and travel down to Withington when the likes of the old Sin City crowd, uni friends and PhD collegues etc will make the effort to meet up in town or Wendyhouse. I mean we're travelling for 2 hours so what is just 15 minutes on the bus? And to be quite frank it has been made all the more clear that Sam is not liked by some others. I have been told this personally. This may seem quite bitter, maybe beating a dead horse, but there are only so many times when sorry can be said. It becomes quite hollow, and obvious why, when people will not come celebrate my wedding, graduation and Sam's birthday, however the same people will do quite the same for others at the drop of a hat. To put it this way, two other friends of mine put away their differences in order to come to our wedding celebration, and even travelled all the way from London. Of course you two are the exception to this what with you both being in the same sort of position of moving to find work etc.

If you are wondering why I find this all quite insulting etc is that it has had more of an effect on Sam than me.

When this issue was raised in the past Sam and myself were met with comments like "Oh but you just don't seem happy/well/your old self" and that Sam was getting the wrong end of the stick. I thought this was weird because of cause Sam and myself were going through a rough patch and so of course I was not happy as normal. But it was almost as if it was implied that I had changed in a bad way due to her presence and that Sam was a bad influence in some way.

Add to the matter that when I felt I needed to explain to Luke why I may not be able to come to rp etc, because I felt he needed to know as I was causing a disruption, I was told that I had no need to explain myself. But then once myself and Sam were through things we were still treated with kid gloves and there was an obvious change in everyones attitude towards her. Once more fueling her own fears that everyone disliked her. And again when this matter was raised with Luke we were told that there was no issue.

This confusion is what in part fuelled Sam's own anxieties and led to her being on meds (which she has now been off for some time now), as she became more concerned that she had changed me, and that people disliked her when she had done nothing except be as civil and polite as possible.

So when I thought everything would be all fine, but with the subsequent failings in people meeting up when we have been in Manchester it leads myself and Sam back to the old issue. Which, and I promised not to say, but Karen, confirmed that it was related to Zoe having problems with Sam. To put it this way I was told that Luke and Zoe even had arguments because of how it was straining my friendship with him and of course the rest of the 'Binsraad'. Is this why Luke, Karen and Joe did not make my wedding celebration?

I am quite grateful for Karen for actually disclosing this as it made sense, and that if Sam and myself had known before hand then this issue could have been nipped in thebud and worked around.

Now if I am wrong on any piece here then fine, I can be corrected. I mean I know I have changed, but only in the way that I feel I had certain responsibilities, both towards my PhD at the time, and Sam, and I felt quite alone as I felt everyone saw this as me being unhappy, rather than me actually just prioritising. Of course if that has led to me being viewed as 'boring' then fine, but that is their issue and not mine.

Is it any wonder with all this that I have felt that some have always viewed my marriage as wrong? Or that because of this drama (which should never of happened, only that people I considered my best friends be accepting of the situation at the time and be helpful to both myself and Sam) I really do not miss the Manchester?

Again another long rant but I hope this explains it all. Having a clear answer, confirmation of what I have said would lay to rest everything. I honestly do not believe the problem lies with you, your husband to be, Donda, or even Luke, but that you have been all caught in the middle of some sort of onesided disagreement.

Well I hope this has been informative. I hope you have gotten back into normal non-holiday life well. The cats are ok I hope? We had our hamster looked after while we were away by our friendly roleplaying veternary nurse, so I have learn't that the hamster are a little porky. :(

To which I got

I can only say how I feel which is this: I have to say I'm a bit fed up of all this (the constant bickering between everyone), I'm all for an easy life and this is becoming too much drama. If you both feel like the guys in Manchester aren't being good enough friends to you both then either tell them and speak to them directly or make a decision between yourself and Sam whether you want to continue being their friends and if not then just it's probably best to let the issue go. I don't think the constant rants on LJ, FB etc are helping you to win people over, as I'm even thinking that some of the bitching is about me and I hoped that if you had a problem with me you would come to me about it, if you thought it was worth sorting out, and I think a lot of people are wondering whom you are talking about. I'm sure if you left things go the more natural course (leave people to chill out a bit) then it may mean not seeing everyone for a while but they will always come back to you if they are good enough friends and if they don't it's their problem.

I know that I have tried hard to stay friends with both of you as I do consider you both people I wanted in my life but I have to say it wasn't easy sometimes. Even I thought at some point that you weren't happy with things, like you say this was when you were having problems with Sam and don't forget that we only see the things on the outside (I don't think people knew you were having problems with Sam) and I know people shouldn't judge but sometimes we are rubbish and we do. Also you did change (stop roleplaying, coming out, drinking etc etc) and like you say this is your choice and is probably for the better (James and I don't drink much or go out anymore and prefer doing this every now and again - every month going to Manchester is good to catch up with people and is important for us to try and make the effort and we are loving our life). But when we go to Manchester we try and arrange things with people over the phone or email as most people don't check FB that often - so when you want to arrange something make sure you leave plenty of time, tell people over the phone too and don't take it personally if they don't come as everyone has so much going on at the moment - I know it's hard not to especially if there are already concerns there. I think sometimes friends can get a bit jealous too (like not spending as much time with them when you got with Sam - very selfish of us though) and worry about whether you are doing the right thing as things were quick with Sam - moving in married etc -which is your choice and you should do what makes you happy but friends are bound to be concerned about you and given time good friends will accept it if it makes you happy and it's what you want and then they will be happy.

I know that when I joined the RP circle of friends I found it hard to fit in as the girls can be quite territorial and it took me ages to settle in and it took time and I think that Sam didn't get much of a chance to settle in before all the crazyness happened.

I even felt I had to take a bit of space for a while as everytime I spoke to either of you, you were just so concerned with whether everyone liked Sam or not I felt I didn't even get chance to decide for myself! It get get to be too much drama. And I was getting a bit fed up of hearing about it. I did get a bit upset a few times as I thought Sam didn't like me a few times - like when we were at your wedding celebration I was talking to you a few times and Sam sat on your knee and kissed you whilst I was in mid-sentence and I thought I'd annoyed her, also I was upset that I'd come to see you guys and you both ended up going for food without us. I did understand it was your night but it did upset me a little. I guess what I'm saying here is that we could all start wondering if everyone liked us or what we have done wrong or even taking things personally, but we have to assume that people will tell us if they don't like us and if they don't - again it's there problem.

I want to say though that I am still here for you and do want you both in my life but you will have to try and relax a bit about all of this and just let it be for a while (two choices- confront those involved directly and sort it out once and for all or let it go and stop ranting, worrying, getting upset about it) and I really don't like being put in the middle! I don't want any of this to offend you (all said in a nice tone of voice) and I didn't say any of this earlier as I wanted it to 'blow over' and I'm only being honest because I care. I hope you will understand and I don't even expect a reply to this email, I just want you guys to be happy and stay in contact. Seriously though, as long as you two are happy - don't give a crap what everyone else thinks, if they are good friends they will always support you. It would be great to see you both here and you are welcome (with no drama though! lol).

And in return my reply:

"Also you did change (stop roleplaying"

Well Sam wasn't well at the time, and it was just after I stopped going to roleplay that Sam went to the doctors and was prescribed medicine for her depression. It was a rough time and I felt I needed to be with her rather than rolling dice!

"But when we go to Manchester we try and arrange things with people over the phone or email as most people don't check FB that often - so when you want to arrange something make sure you leave plenty of time, tell people over the phone too and don't take it personally if they don't come as everyone has so much going on at the moment"

That's true. But then when given enough time they people don't show. It seems to be more and more the case these days in general.

"worry about whether you are doing the right thing as things were quick with Sam - moving in married etc "

I think this is the most concerning comment. If they thought it wasn't right why not say? I mean Sam and I had been going out for a year before moving in together, and then another year before marrying. I guess it's a little too fast by todays standards? But then if people thought it was wrong why not say rather than make a mistake and then moan about it later? I mean it's a bit late now! I mean what were those concerns about Sam? Plus we we're together for a year before we had our rough patch. Was I not happy during that year. It almost as if all the bad shit during that year over shadowed the amazing year Sam and I had the year before?? Weird eh? Seems my love life was only an issue once roleplay was in jeopardy! What a fucking surprise! :P

Plus yes Sam and I were having troubles but then couples can be in that situation. Was everyone just expecting me to break up with Sam, rather than actually work through it because, god forbid it, I was with in love with her!!!! Was I wrong in doing the adult thing?

"I think that Sam didn't get much of a chance to settle in before all the crazyness happened."

I had been going out with Sam for an entire year before everything went mad. Again I find this comment surprising. I mean Sam did try to fit in before she went 'mental' (as some may think).

"I spoke to either of you, you were just so concerned with whether everyone liked Sam or not I felt I didn't even get chance to decide for myself! It get get to be too much drama. And I was getting a bit fed up of hearing about it. I did get a bit upset a few times as I thought Sam didn't like me a few times - like when we were at your wedding celebration I was talking to you a few times and Sam sat on your knee and kissed you whilst I was in mid-sentence and I thought I'd annoyed her, also I was upset that I'd come to see you guys and you both ended up going for food without us. I did understand it was your night but it did upset me a little."

It's a shame you didn't get to decide for yourself. At the time you were the only person I felt I could possibly get a drama free answer from. All I got from others was "Oh chill out", and even though we did, it got us no where?!!?!?? You can see how that can confuse us and put us back at square one!
As for that evening we did finally get it rescued but it was problematic on many levels. We thought Luke etc were not going to show. We would have booked a table earlier but we didn't because we thought no one was showing up! We were trying very hard to be flexible. In the end our friends from London just said for us to get food.

Sam was not annoyed at you. She was just very nervous what with previous months and of course, it seems justly, was concerned if they would show and how they would treat our marriage. It basically seemed like because the others thought I had rushed into marriage that their no-show felt like a bit of a protest.

This was finally met with:

Chris, give my previous message another read... ;)

I think  thinly veiled in the original message is what I thought the problem was. Double standards.

I think the worst part is that now, more than ever I feel less attached to Manchester than ever. Something I knew would happen but no to this extent. I know there are plenty of you who know that I miss seeing you guys, but now it seems Manchester has even less to offer since all attempts with this one set of friends has failed.