Pale Canvas

Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.

- Aristotle

So the weekend is over, and today I've not done much other than sit in front of this laptop and play Dune and web surf. So what more is there to do but do an update?

So where to begin? I quess we can start with Friday. Having had a long day at work trying to validate some programs and doing some coding for the force field to determine chirality (coding done by hand... yes I am insane and quite mad), I met up with

biomechanina

at GC, and then soon after Oz,

cyberai_dan

and his mate from the beeb, and also

phuturatica

. We went to see Pan's Labyrinth, which was ace to see a second time have more of a chance to take in all the subtitles and the fine details.

After we bumped into

missjinny

,

vonheath

and their friend in the Corner House bar and then headed onto GC where more turned up in the form of

currytastegrit

,

urwen_sakurafu

and their mate Taylor (aka Captian Jack). After a lot of drinking and random conversation headed back to Dan's to watch Miami Vice (well only a bit as I headed home to ensure I got up the next day to go to do some more work). Though I really wasn;t following the plot of Miami Vice. Plus I was cast as some weirdo for sniffing Stacey's hair. Why the hell would I do that. I think I'll get my revenge on Cassie when she's a better recovered.

Ok so the next day was work, and then meeting up with

trashkitty

to go to the x mas markets where we detoured to Harvey Nicks where our virtual bank account got broken by a £1000 coat.

Of course I had some mulled wine and picked up some nice sloe gin for later.

As for the party it was pretty good. Lots of gin, wine, a bit of puff, and of course the random assortment of conversation. Half of the hosts crashed out early on really leaving myself,

neuromantix

and

phuturatica

 to see in the next day.

So today has been quite lazy and quite low. It's hard to say why I feel like a shell of myself but I think I know.

Yesterday I got a text of my ex Vic, the one who I spent a good near 3 years with through most of uni. She apparently has an interview with Astra Zeneca. I can bet it's still just lab monkey type work. testing the safety etc of products. But the thing is I have feeling why in my gut I feel quite low today.

See for the best part of 3 years I made a lot of compromises during my time with her, such as not doing a year in industry, helping her through her own course, sorting out houses and bills. I never felt I got much thank for it all, or any respect for it. It was near the end of that she often got annoyed over that summer for me not doing much work, as in going out and working over the summer, while she had to go off to her full time job she hated. Of course I was of the mind that if only she could wait a little and understand then I would be in the position to support while doing what I enjoy. I was ready to give that much.

Things are much different now. I no longer live like and undergrad and I'm in the position to get published in academia, fiction, I enjoy teaching and also learning to code. This plus everthing else in the last year has been great. When I spit with Vic I also broke all ties with all the friends linked with that relationship as it was so ingrained with our work and social life that I often found it difficult to find that division between the two.What was mine and wahts was me. And the last 2 years has been quite a bit of a journey of rediscovery, and realising I now have more friends than before, all very different circles, well some more similar than you would realise.

I guess that thing that is funny is that this text from her was her wanting to meet up with me. Now I have done this once before a few months back. I guess the thing that is weird is that after all that happened ( and that relationship didn't end in the best of ways and I said many a cruel thing), that she still wants to be somehow within my life. I find that difficult to swallow.

But then I never considered myself one of the type of friends that people try to hang onto. I never considered myself that highly really. There is all the pomp and bravo of recent, but that stems just from how exciting each week can be. Beyond the surface I don't consider myself that much more. In comparison to others I see myself quite happily geeky and twisted, though really not much more. Though certaintly not something worth hanging onto.

But then thats the paradox of how one views their self compared to how others view them.

So what am i getting at here? The same old story for everyone i guess. I learnt to look out for my self and not be so naive, but when I have had all the chances of the things I get to do know it would be nice to find someone close with who can share in all that. I mean I am truely grateful for all the friends I have, many of whom I have only really got to know in the last year, and for that I am grateful, but when you have a diverse groups of friends that tie to a certain facet of yourself, the sad thing is not able find someone that can appreciate a bit more of that.

Call it catharsis, or narcissistic, but this it what it boils down too.


I think thats enough of that. Thanks is where thanks is due.

Ok it now picture time

I guess that leaves me to say good night and that I'm sure I'll see you in the week at some point.